Children's books and Me.

Gooooooood afternoon/morning/midday/evening readers!

So, many people have commented how offensive I am and that I should never write children's story books...others haven't raised the issue at all, with them being the feckless passive-aggressive cowards that they are...Unless you're in the latter, you're in the majority, which is the former (in which case I don't actually mean YOU if you are reading my blog...which you most likely are). So today I write for my 12 years old and under audience and plan on having a few pictures to accompany my little story-book/blog. Most of my writing is fairly in line with a Theodor Seuss Geisel book (or Dr. Seuss for the ill-read) in that it repeats itself ridiculously, cogitates many of life's problems, such as the misfortune of bird flu green eggs and swine flu ham making it onto your plate, as well as repeating itself, sometimes even ridiculously. Now repeating itself ridiculously to some may be annoying, and to others it probably invokes a headache.....ok....to the writing of the book we venture!

Once upon a time (a fairly solid start for many a book)...there once was...this protagonist....or hero if you're a little child with a little vocabulary...his/her (trying to be non-gender specific to suit all kinds of readers) name was....Boris Amin (let's combine two very well known dictator's names to create a strong hero for children!)...He/she liked gardening...but bugs (antagonists) liked his/her garden...this made Boris Amin sad, as the bugs began destroying the garden and Boris Amin's patience.

ok...this children's book is NOT going well. With building a story on a hybrid-dictator-named protagonist, some racial hate crimes will probably ensue, and I don't want to be around anywhere when they do. So with that, most people were right in that I can't write a children's book...but perhaps I could write for cosmopolitan or another highly political satire filled magazine.

Writer out.

Professional One Liner operator

Tonight I joined a very prestigious list of people who come up with often hilarious and smart comments. I now know how Lance Armstrong felt after all the witty sayings he made after winning all those Tour de France-athons...maybe i'll even become one of the wittiest smartest quotesman of all time with a little work...Sports men and women (but mainly men) such as my good mate Lance have constant gems they're zinging out to the media. For instance, here's one from everybodies favourite sportsman/woman, Australia's golf-grandfather Mr. Gregory Pantellidis-Smithton Norman:

“(We) should be allowed to wear shorts. God almighty, (LPGA) women are allowed to wear ‘em, and we’ve got better legs than they do.”
-Greg Norman

Classic stuff. As you can tell I'm really trying to build the suspense with all this as to what the quote I came up with is...It probably isn't nearly as classic and t-shirt worthy as my Griffith quote...But we are our own harshest critics right? (another quote that has no doubt earnt Alistair Bloomsdownsworthington the instant fame and fortune that he deserves for penning such a memorable quote.)

As I sat in yet another brain-sucking Griffith tutorial I noticed an interesting quote/one liner the obnoxious, sandal-and-shorts wearing pompous tutor was spouting out as if it was his own. The line was "if you find yourself in a hole, stop digging". Well...let's demean hole-diggers for a living huh? They're not real people, right Griffith? How about this for a line "If you find yourself digging a hole, why not stuff a few Griffith tutors in as an attempt to fill it?" or "Griffith tutors only teach because they don't have the arms for hole digging"? Neither absolute zingers, but blogs don't need to be creative, just self righteous and ideologically imposing dribble.

So without further ado (as shakespeare...or some other guy once stated some time ago) here it is:

"procrastinate today so that you don't have to do it tomorrow"

Yeah ok....not quite Shakespeare or Norman quality but a bird in the hand is worth two in this blog.

Please address all abuse to me for this blog....Sorry for failing miserably at creating laughter...But I will inevitably still label this post as "comedy" or "humorous"...no doubt the funniest thing about this post.

Blogger out.

Reviews

"The New York Times review sums it up in one word, "wow".... We couldn't agree more."

-Some internet site reviewing the review of what the Times had to say about The Davinci Code.

Sizzlers and Murder

Dear Readers,

"huh?" you may say as you stare at the computer screen over your jumbo bucket of buttered popcorn, some of which no doubt fell out of your mouth onto your keyboard, only for you to smudge more of that grease onto said keyboard as you scoop it up in your filth---

ok...remember rule number 125 of your bloggers manual Lachlan...your readers, no matter how disgusting they may be (sitting anonymously behind their computer screens), do not read criticism; THAT is why they dropped out of highschool - to work their way up the Hungry Jack's food chain (or for my overseas readers....*sigh*), criticism. Start over.

Dear Readers,

"huh" you may say as you read the title of this blog. Well, I know Sizzlers (everyone's favourite family restaurant) and Murder (everyone's favourite sin) don't make much of a combination, but let me explain, perhaps in story form.

......Lose yourself in the world of imagination....

wait...before you lose yourself, and before I go into more detail with this, you probably are asking yourself why I would feel the need to write about murder and Sizzlers in such a comical way...Neither of them are particularly funny, and what kinda sicko would write an hilarious blog about either of the two? Well a desperate sicko with my face would...so read on...

....imagination world blah blah blah....

So it was Monday night, and I was eating dinner at Sizzlers with my guy's group that meets every Monday night, this time at Sizzlers, on a Monday night, and my mate told me a story (sounds exciting huh). He is working on a group assignment and he had one of the guys ring up to tell him he couldn't be in the group anymore...I believe the conversation went something like this that Monday night:

"Hey mate, just calling to say I can't be part of the group assignment anymore sorry..."

"Oh that sucks, why's that?"

"I just got arrested for murder and am now going to jail."

"oh...ok...thanks for your call"

Well...this little story had me laugh, question, pull a face, tell it to several other people, laugh more as I told it and question some more my own insanity over the matter.

It's not really that funny, but it was such an interesting excuse for not attending group work or a group assignment...And it made me look around the group of guys and think, "wow, this is just a normal guy that happened to beat some unsuspecting guy to death...Any ONE of us could do that!" and as I looked around the table I thought, the odds are I would be the one to inflict the next fatal beating on someone...

I don't like those odds...nor do I like my chances of being capable of sharpening a toothbrush into a shiv and fighting for my life in prison (and other things, but I'm trying to keep these blogs PG at the very most!)....Hey, perhaps I could even meet my mate Bubba who frequents this blog (you think he'd do something a little better with his prison monitored internet downloads).

Ok, perhaps I'm not capable of murder, but am I capable of using that as a way of getting out of a group assessment? Perhaps not that either, but I have often thought that I COULD go so far as to murder someone to get out of the idiotic groups Griffith can/have aligned me with.

So where does that leave me? With a COLD Sizzlers dinner. That's right people, my pork ribs AND my chips came out cold, and they began to enter my stomach cold. So I gulped down the ribs and decided that cold chips weren't good enough... Only problem was that every time our waiter came around to ask how our food was I had cold pork rib in my mouth so I wasn't able to verbally abuse our waiter, demean them in front of the entire restaurant, then place some rather unrealistic demands on them like "HOT CHIPS NOW OR YOUR LIFE! 5, 4, 3...."

So eventually I finished my ribs, as cold as they were I didn't complain (or get a chance to...except the one time where I said the waiters name and she turned her back on me and walked away...waitress 2, Lachlan nil). It wasn't until they were completely digesting that I asked for some more chips, as politely as I could without wanting to sound like a bum...Waitress' reply "It's pretty unusual for someone to order chips at the END of their meal" *insert eyebrow raised like a complete...........ly old waitress face here*.

Well I could've drowned the woman in the drink refills, but alas I just laughed and apologised.

Waitress 10 - Lachlan nil....

In conclusion...I didn't even eat all the hot chips she finally came back out with....I did "accidently" drop some on the floor on my way out though...

Waitress 10 - Lachlan 1000000!!!! and we have a winner! I bet she'll think twice before messing with ME again.

Now that you've read my blog, why don't you read what the critics have to say about my blog:

Alex: Wow man, your blog peaked at the first one, give up.

Shari: I believe you should make more racial taunts, that'll be funnier.

Jeremy: You owe me 10 dollars.

Sally: You owe me 3 months of my life.

Feel free to not add your own criticisms.

The cons and cons of Griffith University (the "Summit" campus)

Dear Mr. Griffith University Mt. Gravatt,

How is Mr. QUT? I just want to start by saying that I respect your current lifestyle choices, we live in a free world, but it takes guts to come out of the closet in the way that you have. The people that call you QUT's bitch enrages me, it is just such a slap in the face for all that has been achieved in this day and age for people to ostricize you and your beliefs. How are your criminal charges going? Anyway...I will really skip to the point...

Many people have complained they lack what once was theirs but now is (in my opinion) what is rightfully yours, in their souls. They really were not using their souls for much good, much better for you to be munching on them. I will give you a shout out to the much outdated decor you wear so liberally, some people would say "get with the times"...but I love your witty comeback where you often state "shut up", then just raise the parking permit fees.

...gets 'em every time.

But I do feel in order to keep your customers partially happy, perhaps we could work on some things? I know these may seem fairly "new age" concepts, but just try to bear with me.

Ok, perhaps you should put down the Jack Daniels before you read on, we all know how violent you can often get whilst drinking.

Well, as you know we are charged 30 cents for tomato sauce in the cafeteria when purchasing sauce related food related objects. Some people see this as rape, as meat pies without sauce is abhorrent, and the only way around getting sauce and placing it onto said pie is to fork out the 30 cents....Perhaps this violation against your students could be quelled? I dunno...I guess you're practicing up for prison with these actions, but we're still living in a society.

The food is a little stale with or without sauce I guess, so maybe you could build another more fruitful (I mean that literally...do you not believe in selling fruit? Are you trying to repress the word "fruit"? I thought you were more liberal Griffith!)...ahem...a more fruitful cafeteria. Perhaps you could remove a few more car spaces from the parking lot and stick it in there somewhere? I mean it's not as though we'll miss the spaces, what's driving around for another hour looking for a park on top of the hour that we drive around looking for said parking space anyway? I mean we only pay the fair, and not outrageous price of $100 a semester for the delight, no...wait...the privelege of being able to drive around in your place for hours on end.

Anyway I do believe I've said enough. I will fill you in on some more things that are worth a mention in my next letter. I appreciate all that you haven't done for me.

Oh and one last thing, perhaps you could provide a complimentary oxygen tank, some of those mountain climber spikes and a Tibetan Sherpa at the bottom of your hill that we need to climb each day to get up to the summit....It will keep your customers coming back for more if they can successfully survive that climb.

Anyway,
Yours sincerely and truly forever and ever (because you maintain the rights to my soul)
Lachy

p.s. you smell like feet, how about you shower once in a while?

To fade away...

Hello my fellow followers, (all one of you at the moment),

Am I suffering secondblogitis (pronounced: second-blog-itis or seck-conned-blo-gi-tis)? Well the answer to you is YES! That's right - yes you are right in the fact that I am NOT infact suffering this all too tragic disease. Instead I have many a topic to discuss with you all....but rather I will not discuss any of those topics but instead will attempt to disect this age old question: Is it worse to burn out or to fade away?

Well...is it? The answer is yes to that topic, and I hope that I have really given you something to ponder....I think I've covered all that I need to cover on that subject...hmmm...what next...?

So I've just turned 23 in the past week and to many this is a young age, to others it will seem an eternity until they reach this age themselves...to fewer still, this age is the metaphorical "leather couch of aging" they have made an arse groove in for the past few days or months or leading up to almost a year. 22 came and went and what do I have to show for it?

Exhaustion.

That's right, exhaustion everbody (pronounced: exhaustion, or EX-haus-TION, depending on whether you have a nervous tick and a bout of turrets or not...or perhaps a strong ignorance of the english language...or a strong advocate that emphasis on syllables are ambiguous by nature...whatever you may be...)

This exhaustion is brought about by a severe lack of sleep, a severe lack of stimulation in the brain...umm...area? that perhaps should have been stimulated through a thing known as "university" (pronounced: just-figure-out-how-to-say-it-out-loud-for-yourselves-damnit) to which I attend Griffith.

Griffith's answer to the question: Is it worse to burn out or to fade away?, is quickly addressed with the answer coming back: "both are good options, but we will make sure we prepare you insufficiently for making this decision, then send you on your way after charging you hundreds of dollars for a parking permit to a carpark that will inevitably be full, and ripping you off when you want some free sauce to go with your hot chips, which will cost you 30 cents a pop, and a part of your soul. Amount to nothing, go nowhere. Just don't do it. Griffith*."

So they would argue it's good to choose at least one of the two (burning out or fading away) just as long as it doesn't mean they lose any money, and as long as you fail excruciatingly at everything.

I am also exhausted from a lack of money, and a failure at making something of my life (hence my taking up writing blogs). Therefore I conclude this blog with the answer to the question: " is it better to fade away or burn out?", saying it doesn't matter how you end up going, it only matters that you made something of yourself to begin with.

*Griffith has never formally stated this, this is just a form of hyperbole...Griffith, please do not seek emolument from me, for you have robbed me of most of my money already and have none left.

What have I gotten myself into?!

Like really...what HAVE I gotten myself into?! I believe that I'm not interesting enough to string together more than three consecutive interesting sentences, nor do I believe I am funny enough to consecutively create laughter throughout (within? from?) my target audience (being anyone that breathes, reads and has a computer with what is known as "internet").

But I like writing, I love reading and I believe I have a knack for out-of-the-box thoughts, so here I am with my own blog, and my often incoherant thoughts displayed for all the world (or at least a 50 year old man named 'Bubba' that wears women's underwear sitting by his computer with potato chips and grease oozing from every pore) to see.

I value and respect actual authors, real writers such as the likes of juggernauts Stephen King, Frank Peretti, John Marsden, Michael Crichton and Gary Paulsen - just to name a few. Although I have studied Stephen King's book 'On Writing' I still am devastatingly disastrous in my disposition of writing and will not claim to come near the mega-star writer that he has become. But I vow to write honestly, and as humorously as possible within this blog to entertain 50 year old Bubba, myself and whoever drunkenly stumbles across this blog. Also, as Stephen King warns, I will never end a sentence with a preposition. This is my pact to you as an audience.

As you read this remember that I am a mere 22 year old (going on 23 in 2 days) uni student (Griffith....ugh...) with too much time on his hands or too much procrastinational* skills depending on my "higher education" standings, not a mega billionaire writer with seven Magnum Opus's (or opi? whatever the plural of that cra-azy latin word is).

So with that I hope you enjoy the journey I take you on, it will have it's pitfalls, it's peaks and it's blah blah blah...so enjoy, and remember:

I first coined the phrase "Griffith: We're at the lower end of higher learning"...

*procrastinational? Lachlan, what are you thinking?! Stephen King will dig a grave just to lie down and roll in it over the butchery of the english language you display.