Lachlan's Blog entitled "Lachlan's Guide To Picking Up Chicks"

Hi. Welcome to my guide to picking up chicks. My name is Lachlan Gibson. Come journey with me, your host, through the swamps of relationship pitfalls and the opposite of a pit full of fall. Today or tomorrow (whenever you read this) we will tickle the underbelly and suckle on the teet of success with finding the perfect girl for you! And maybe you also if you are lucky. So let's kick this pig into gear!



Tip One - Personal Space



What is it? What do we need it for? I don't know, and neither should you. If there is one thing I know about girls it's that girls love space invaders, and not just the video game. The video game is awesome, and so is getting right up in their faces to make a point. How do I know this? Well I've had several girls invade me space, often with shuddering effect on me. The best is when one person in particular grabs my arm to make a point, or when I'm standing, and they're standing, so I sit to have them sit only for me to stand and have them stand with me as though we're playing some bobbing game. It's hard when i'm standing in a spot and they're standing next to me, and I have nowhere to go so my feet are firmly planted on the ground but I'm incorporating the "avoid-at-all-costs-lean". This is great until it results in them leaning along with me. I'm not trying to dance, I'm not trying to break my shins in half by leaning further than is humanly/scientifically/physically possible by bending at them, but I'm succeeding and they're going along with my little pole-less static limbo game.

So if the annoying girls love invading space, surely all girls do right? Get up in their faces boys.





Tip Two - When you get a girl, keep her.



Give her something - a token - a symbol of your undying love! The sooner the better. Telling her you love her on the first date alone is not enough. It is highly encouraged, but it is not enough. In fact, list all the qualities you like in her as well as all the qualities you dislike in her on the first date, tell her whether you want kids with her or not and be overtly honest. Girls. Love. Honesty. I cannot stress this enough. After all this is said and down, whip it out.... THE PROMISE RING (of course)! This is an eternal promise of commitment! Don't be confused fellas, this isn't an engagement ring. It's stupid to commit with an engagement ring if you want a real symbol of commitment. Nothing says "I want to be with you forever just not right now so here's my symbol of eternal commitment to later commiting to you on a full time scale" than a promise ring.





Tip Three - Where and When



Where and when to meet girls is always a doozey! Often I don't get asked "Lachlan, where can I meet girls?". Often I don't tell people. But to tell YOU now, well... that involves the next sentence. Not this one. Often girls find guys more attractive through alcohol. Do you want to meet girls in a pub though? No, you do not. You want to meet them at those random alcohol breath testing stops that the police set up for you (to meet girls). You wanna go for the ones that are only a little over the blood alcohol limit and have lost their cars. They're tipsy and looking for a ride home - I can't stress enough how important it is for you to be there to be that knight in shining daihatsu. Grow a mustache, wear your best stubbies and get out there boys and find yourself that girl of your dreams at that RBT of your dreams.





Tip Four - Be a badass.

Nice guys finish last, or they don't finish at all. Be a badass. Be arrogant, obnoxious and rude to the girl of your dreams. I have spent my whole life trying to be nice to girls and it's the total wrong road to take. Badasses wear leather. Therefore wear as much leather as you can get your hands on. Cover yourself in the stuff. "How much leather should I wear" you may ask me? Well find out how much leather a cow wears and then back it off a little. You should end up in an outfit that constitutes something just short of hooves and an udder and you will find the chicks will swoon.

Now you have your outfit, think about your stomach muscles, tattoos and badass haircut. If you cannot get these things to work for you that's ok, being a badass is about attitude just as much as looks.

Your attitude should be enough to repel mosquitos. You need to find every flaw in the girl of your dreams, abuse those flaws and then throw mud at her car, toilet paper her house and pull her hair. If there is one thing that I have learnt from primary school it's that you need to "be mean to keep her keen" (or to get her keen). Pulling hair was big in grade 2 - pulling hair is big in pubs and clubs too.

Tip Four - Avoid my advice like the plague

I mean honestly, are you seriously so dumb and naive as to listen to any of this bollocks? You'd be an idiot to do any of this... I am the last person you should listen to about relationship advice.

But now that throws a spanner into the works with me telling you to not listen to me. So with not listening to me, you are listening to me and therefore - well... it's just one big circle of insanity isn't it?

Anyway, this has been your comprehensive guide on how to get a girl - stay tuned for the next in this 2 part series on "how to get a boy".

Blogger out.

**** oh and don't sue if you try these things and get arrested.
***** nor should you sue for me just attempting to dish out advice that isn't quite to your taste.
****** nor should you sue for attempting to make humour where there isn't
******* nor should you sue etc.

Mundane painting tasks.

Wellllll it's been a while between blogs yet again... Life's been busy and blogging has been hard to come by as the laughter has taken a dry spell in my life. In the last month or so I've done a lot of things; finished uni for the year, finished my 2nd teaching prac, learnt that I can't sing, nor can I dance and yet I have signed myself up for singing in the Christmas choir and dancing in a Christmas play. Absurd has pretty much taken on a whole new level in my life.

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But even though I have had all these mis-adventures (I've literally missed adventures because of these mundane tasks... Just to name a few: sleeping adventures, eating adventures and television adventures) I want to talk to the people (you and that guy standing behind you) about my new task of giving my bedroom a tummy tuck, a facelift and breast implants (also known as new carpet, fresh paint job and silicon breast implants).

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You would think painting your room would be fun wouldn't you? In the movies they always depict people painting rooms to be fun loving people in a whimsical montage. They make gaffs at each other, laugh with full toothed pearly white smiles, paint each other and mispell things wrong in paint on the walls - all the while enjoying time spent together. The couple depicted may even finish with getting down to the task of some heavy love making, embracing each other in a passionate kiss and then having the camera pan away to show the wind blowing some curtains or a steam train entering a tunnel or some other euphemism dressed up in some inanimate objects. Anyway the point is none of this is possible for me when you're painting under the Nazi-esque regime of my parents - particularly that of the long passionate embraces and love making.

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I'm still the boisterous, handsome fella with impish charm that would generally be depicted in any one of these movie painting scenes, but there is a severe lack of montage-ing and a extreme lack of fun going on at the moment with this whole painting the room thing. If you combined Michaelangelo's skill (I'm talking the skill at painting he has left after being dead for 446 years) with a shorter Hitler sporting a less prominent mustache, you would have my mother. She brandishes a painting ego and some general painting terms and prefers not to dialogue with me but rather wraps these terms up in a large parcel, waits for me to attempt to open it and then BOOM!!!!! - there goes my face.

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I am constantly ducking "DON'T GET THAT BLUE PAINT ON THAT BLUE WALL!!!" bullets and "You screw up cutting along those skirting boards and I'll CUT YOU IN YOUR SLEEP FOOL !!!!!!!!!!!" grenades. Where's the comradery? The mess ups that get fixed up just before the next scene? I need black outs between painting just like in the movies where things just get done during these times. But I'm afraid if I attempt to turn the lights off whilst my parents are painting I'll turn them back on to find I've been eviscerated by a paintbrush - a steaming pile of my stomach entrails dangling from my ripped open torso with blood splattering on the floor in front of me and my mother screaming "DON'T BLEED ON MY WALLS!!"

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So when I do pass on (I always knew my time in the trenches of war would be short), I would like my funeral to be a happy time. If there is food afterwards eat it, if you don't eat at my funeral you don't leave... I've spent all my life eating, I never let anything go to waste and I would turn in my grave if people leave leftovers at my funeral. I want In Loving Memory by Alter Bridge played and a 22 gun salute, with the extra gun being of the nerf variety fired right into someone's forehead for comical effect. You can have my car.

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Well with this all said and done I guess I better learn how to paint and stop screwing around attempting to infuriate people splashing blues on red walls.......... Ahhhhhhhhhhh who am I kidding, that's just not me, bring on the raining bullets of abuse.

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But seriously.... the car is all yours when I die.

Good luck and not me.

I'm the unluckiest guy in the world. Really.... No lie. Un-luck finds me wherever I go... The other day I find a parking spot in the city without a single sign, no parking meters for hundreds of metres and cars all parked along this spot with nothing to show for them, no tickets, no permits, nothing...score, no?.... NO ..... 75 dollar fine. Big no...

I walk over to a pokies machine...I start vibing good vibes, I warm my hands on those good vibes... My hair gets slightly more bleached from those good vibes... I sit down at the pokies machine next to it.... I lose $10, my mate who has since sat down at my good vibe, hair bleaching pokie machine wins $30...hmmm...

Walking through the walkway from my front yard to my doorway I always throw my hand out at where spiders like to weave their webs at night because I can't see them...sick little bastards right? The one day I have my hands full and can't wave them about in the darkness like a mad man is the one day I cop web and one of those little bastard spiders in the face....brilliant.

I'm unlucky in love, I'm unlucky in Uni, I'm unlucky in life...

Now this is beginning to sound like one of those self obsessed little blogs that self obsessed little people write to nourish their pessimistic narcissism...But this is different, not sure how...but if I keep writing maybe I can convince you, along with myself that this really is different.

I guess the only luck I have going for me is finding parks... I'm talking about car spaces within public car parks, not counsel parks, those places full of benches and trees and swing sets... What good would that luck be!? That wouldn't be luck. That'd be like finding out you had just gained a superpower, only that the power was the ability to be able to see smells... Just because you can see a fart doesn't mean you can avoid it in a crowded elevator...It'd be like seeing the shark coming for you just before it suffocated you with it's fart in a crowded elevator, which you could also see...both the fart AND the elevator that is.... What I mean is that wherever I go, I find car spots that no one else would usually find or get... I don't have to follow people as they walk back to their cars like I'm a vulture following a wounded gazelle hobbling through the African Savannah back to their Mazda 3. I just find them... Sometimes it is a desert out their for car spaces and you see what you think is water/a car space only to find out it's a Mirage...literally, because those cars are small and you often don't see them until you're right up on them because they're parked next to that sand dune that is a big 4-wheel-drive (pun/s intended). Ok so enough analogies... And enough about my goodluck, because really, if I'm being honest, it's really not luck that's too brilliant...In fact I must have used up all my good luck on finding car spots.

So what can you and I do about this....Welllllllllllllll.... If you have a birthday coming up here's what I need you to do...

1. Tell me.

2. I pay you an installment.

3. You make a birthday wish when you blow out the candles on that birthday cake of yours... But the birthday wish is for ME.

4. You don't tell me what wish you made, otherwise it won't come true...but you make it a significant wish for me.

5. You live and breathe everything about my life, how I'm going, what I'm up to, whether or not the wish has come true. You follow me, you watch me from a distance through a telephoto lens, You often take things of mine from my clothes-line when I'm not looking or not home and you build a shrine dedicated to me in your own backyard. You may or may not smell these items, that is your business and to be honest your business seems a little sick and I personally am offended by it.... Cut it out.... Seriously, cut it out or the police will become involved... Nevertheless....

6. When you have done all this for a small-medium period of time you notice whether or not the wish came true.

7. You tell me what the wish was, how it came about coming true and all the sick little perverted things you had to do to find out whether or not it did come true.

8. Budda-bing-budda-boom, I pay you more if it's a good wish and I've gotten a good benefit from it.

So there's my scheme... Not brilliant...But YOU come up with a better idea... Geez...always on my back about things aren't you.

B-logger out.*

*I am not a b-grade logger... I am a blogger that attempts slang but fails miserably... I have no interest in cutting down that oak tree in your backyard that happens to be overhanging on counsel property.

My mental illness...

So I'm back at uni and have finished my first week already! I managed to attend almost half of my lectures and most of my compulsory tutes so I'm off to a flying start for the semester! And like all new semesters new friendships form and new avenues open for discovery of oneself and of new exciting information and education...If you actually cared....Alas new rivalries have formed and the exciting 'information' and 'education' has become more 'realisation' for me. The realisation that I've been approaching EVERYTHING to do with ANYTHING about uni wrong! I know huh? You think I would've figured out how to approach uni years ago...but you give me too much credit if you think that.

I've often thought that I'm actually more intellectually superior than most at Griffith. In fact, if you've read my blogs prior to this than you possibly would've heard my thoughts that Griffith's slogan should be: "Griffith; We're at the lower end of higher learning". But thinking that I'm smarter than everyone else has gotten me nowhere, as I've discovered the other day when I had a fight with my tutor in one tutorial and ended up saying "I pay your salary" as my final statement to her after she had put my name up on the board as though we were in highschool, and then met my arch enemy in the very next tutorial. What a day huh?

I won't name names but this guy is to me what Lex Luther is to Superman... Or even what Kryptonite is to Superman....Or my jokes are bullets and HE is Superman and they just bounce right off him... 'Cos he did NOT get a single one of my little quips. And nor should he...because as I previously stated, I've changed my tune.... I have now started the slow process of convincing him I am mentally disabled... Nothing too obvious like drooling or speaking stupidly or anything...I'm really talking David Brent/Michael Scott/Gob Bluthe/Homer Simpson mentally disabled...So I've watched a few socially inept people at uni and observed what they do and have come up with a detailed plan to mess with Lex Luther's head... So here is the outline of my plan:

Phase 1. Write with left hand - this only works when the guy sits near me...but it worked brilliantly when we were doing group work and he was sitting next to me trying to dictate what I was to write...Infact I began doing this and that gave me inspiration to create my brain damaged/socially inept alter-ego.... Key phrases whilst writing included "Wow I'm messy today...usually I'm not quite as bad with my handwriting"...at this point I'd show him what I'd scribbled very very poorly and slowly with my non-dominant hand.


Phase 2. Say words back to Lex what he has just stated but say a similar word that is completely wrong - Now this is actually good fun and mentally stimulates myself trying to keep up with his words...for example he said something along the lines of "this is quite inevitable after all" and I would in turn say back "I too believe in the inedibleness of it all"....

Phase 3. Mispronounce the word altogether immediately after Lex - In other words the word "respect" became "repsect" or "repecst" and I would immediately loudly repeat this word straight after he said it....This was particularly fun when he addressed the whole class whilst we were in our group situation.

Phase 4. Say out loud anything I was writing down - If I wrote a sentence, it would have to be mumbled under my breath word for word what I was writing.

Phase 5. Stand up at all times to address the group or the whole class even when not called upon - This is something I hilariously noticed some idiot was doing a lot...It annoyed the hell out of me...and therefore I have taken it on board.

Phase 6. Big eyes, furrowed brow - This needs to be seen rather than explained but basically if I don't look frightened or confused at all times I'm not doing my job.

Phase 7. Name tag with picture of myself - This is a work in progress... but basically if I don't have something to show Lex as I tell him, "This is me!" constantly, then I don't know how I'll ever remember my name...and so I can't expect him to either.

Phase 8. Complete and utter agreement...or disagreement...either one - This involves sporadically saying to Lex "I agree" even when he hasn't said anything... well... especially/only when he hasn't said anything...when he says "what?" I just nod my head and say "ahuh... I was just agreeing"... the opposite of this involves him just speaking...e.g. "I would just like to say..." "I disagree"..."but I was just..." "I really do disagree..."

Ok so until boredom overcomes me within my next tute, inspiration will be lacking for the next phases...So I'll keep you all updated with how Lex Luther views my mental state within the next few weeks. If I'm not viewed as completely retarded within 3 weeks time then I'm going to have to resort to costumes probably.... I could actually do theme days for each time I see Lex... Like cowboys day or astronaut day. Anyway....something to contemplate.

Blogger out.

Bucket Listing

Well it has been a while since I last blogged, some would say too long, most would say not long enough...but the point is time has elapsed and my fingers have not written words that have appeared in sentences throughout paragraphs within a blog....this blog even. Why haven't I written a blog* you may ask**... Well it is because at the moment life sucks. Plain and simple. And I don't want to harp on about it too much but I have been pretty immensely depressed for the last 2 months...Love, life, adventure, freedom, faith, friendships and etcetera have all become poop. I not so recently (it happened the very first day of May...what a stupid month) ruptured my anterior cruciate ligament and had to get surgery. I have spent so much time in pain both physically and mentally and morale is down.


BUT b-boys and fly-girls*** I shall begin reclaiming morale! I shall begin reclaiming my life! Two knees, no knees...a negative number of knees or not, I shall start kicking ass at life. Therefore I have decided it is time for some serious bucket listing to get done.


Ever since I was a kid I have loved writing lists out of things I want to do with my life and time... I have a few that I normally wouldn't share with anyone, but that's been dud because I haven't had anyone spurring me on, and I have been a gutless wimp. So therefore I'm sticking as many things onto this list as I possibly can, and I want as many people to add as many things as they can until I have at least 100 things! Success or failure, I am going to attempt this stuff and if you can you should join me on this ride... Life is too short!


Ok...let's get cracking....oh...wait, before I do get "cracking", alot of this stuff will be fairly personal and a lot will be a whole heap of adventure and fun...the personal stuff you can ignore if need be, but it's going on here because even though this is public, it's still my stuff...so...good...cracking on...OH! And these are in no particular order! These are just things that enter my mind as I'm typing...


1. Save a life
2. Betting $1000 on black at the casino
3. Read the whole bible from start to finish
4. Get a tattoo
5. Run with the bulls
6. Skydive/skydive naked
7. Be in a movie
8. Kiss a celebrity
9. Perform a stand up comedy act
10. Write a novel
11. Roadtrip across Australia
12. Hit a hole in one
13. Spend a whole week in silence (no talking)
14. Married with kids
15. Be a Bestman
16. Walk across a whole county
17. Tv game show host
18. Serenade a gal
19. Pose nude for an art class
20. Own my own business
21. Learn a new language**** (already started on German, maybe Spanish?)
22. Swim with sharks
23. Complete a triathlon
24. Raise/donate $10000 to a charity (possibly Camp Quality, or World vision...hmm)
25. Kiss a stranger
26. Get ripped...like cheese grater abs, boulder biceps, bitchin calves etc.
27. Canoe for a whole weekend
28. Man vs wild for a weekend...hunting/trapping etc
29. Be in a police lineup (do they do those in Australia??)
30. Grow long hair
31. Safari in africa and help out in an orphanage
32. Grow a beard
33. Meet Harry Kewell
34. Have my own radio show
35. Be in a television show
36. Break a world record
37. Buy a drumkit
38. Perform an original song in front of hundreds/thousands/millions
39. See a World Cup final live
40. Pet a tiger
41. Fly a plane
42. See the 7 wonders of the world
43. Lead someone to Christ
44. Learn sign language
45. Learn to surf properly!
46. Street performance
47. Speed dating
48. Join a protest
49. Bungee jump
50. Helicopter flight
51. Carry the Olympic torch
52. See Alter Bridge live
53. Own my own place
54. Invent something
55. Visit a death-row inmate
56. Be a news headline
57. River rapids
58. Be a team mascot
59. Do the Kokoda trail
60. Ride an Elephant in Thailand
61. Experience zero gravity


So this is a start....I'll continue updating this list...let me know your thoughts and opinions and any dreams you have that I can help you achieve or things that I should try to achieve myself! I'm starting today on number 30. growing long hair! ok...hit me with thoughts!


Blogger out.




*Do I put a question mark here? probably not... I'll leave one out.
** Definitely not here... I know THAT is for sure.
***Throw your hands in the air... Or don't... I don't care.
****Not really a "new" language in that I mean one that has just formed... I'm not going to go out and develop "Quingsling" or anything... I really mean a foreign language that I don't know yet! Geez....SEMANTICS! Don't get so wrapped up in them people.

A Blogging Supernova

Heeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! I'm back, I hope you all observe a moment of silence for my absence/lack of blogs and cancel that moment out with stupendous cheering and general party going antics. I realise I've dropped the ball a little with this blogging thing so after playing poker tonight against Rain Man (Sam Prokic himself) and inevitably losing, I realised I should be doing better things with my time. So I played FIFA 09 for a bit. But when I got home Rain Man informs me that I haven't blogged in all too long. As I sip my latte and smoke my pipe, fiddling with my monocle in a dimly lit room, let me take you back over a few events you may or may not have missed in my recent life weeks.

I tore my medial collateral ligament and ruptured my anterior cruciate ligament playing football...the MRI looks as though a grenade went off in my knee, so I'm getting surgery on the 30th of June. During this I finished my prac in Hell. That went ok...better than expected considering where I was. And that's my life...self indulgent part of the blog over.

Let's focus on the world cup, where soap opera actors go to play sport and mental patients get given bus driver socks and coloured cards. Oh...and where Australian sporting stars go to get raped (figuratively....they wouldn't go if there was a chance they literally were going to get raped...at least I would hope not)...But seriously, this World Cup is killing me! It's not the best ambassador for itself so far, so many nil all draws, so many stupid decisions...For us, first Cahill then Kewell with reds....FIFA is out to get us...doesn't surprise me though when it's run by the same type of people who run the Uniting Church of Australia.

So how do we overcome all this dreadful refereeing, cheating Italians (players, refs, coaches, bus drivers, Italian donkeys, Italian label makers etc etc etc) and other cheating nations?



Well...maybe I'll ask Rain Man....



Rain Man: I thought the basis of your blogs was avoiding real life and relevant topics and emphasising the paying out of Griffith and expanding on useless thoughts. Trying a different angle are we? I was expecting a wicked question, and you give me that! Not losing our touch are we??



Ok Rain Man, you got me there.



So I guess I'll go back to writing about Griffith and it's suckiness...I enrolled in another semester of hell so hopefully next semester I'll have plenty of A-grade material...Again I apologise for not blogging, I barely know how to feed and clean myself so don't be too hard on me.


Blogger out. I can't speak for the blogg-ees, but i'm sure you're all "out" as well.

Money making schemes

It's funny what you can achieve at 1.30am! Even funnier what you DON'T achieve at 1.30am...like the realisation that no doubt you're wasting your life if you're up at this time...which I have realised...so it's funny what you can achieve at 1.30am! But I digress.

So it has come to my attention that I am poor, with not too many immediate investment prospects to get me out of this monotonous state...I wouldn't say that I'm completely destitute...but I'm definitely "university student" level poor. So I guess as a university student and all time dillusionist, I think of many a way to hit instant rich-dom. Only thing is that at the moment instantaneous wealth is a brilliant idea in itself (a great achievement for 1.39am) but since it IS 1.39am now, that's as far as my brain scope goes. Some would say that 1.30am for me is not such a bad time to be up, in fact quite a normal time...others would say that it is actually a typical uni student time to be up...others would tell others to shut up, and I would concur.

So short of selling myself on the street along with all my possessions I cannot think of any quick money making schemes. This is quite a sad thought as we live in such a free country.....well...everything is relative right?

I don't want to end up in jail from any sort of money making scheme either. Sure, I could knock over a few grannies on the street for their purses or sell sandwhiches with microwaved chicken and day old salad on them, call it a sub and go global with such a sickening array of these americanized repulsive sandwhiches...but both would be a crime; morally, ethically...somewhat illegally....and I do not want to be stuck by a sharpened toothbrush in a jail shower...I hope that's the worst thing that could happen in jail showers at least.

So where does this leave me ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, dukes and duchesses (geese and ganders)? Well it leaves me with finishing this freaking degree and getting a slave job as a teacher....or....well...I hear there's a thing named the "lotto", and it's basically like investing in the stock market...and if history has shown us anything, it is that there is nothing safer than investing in the stock market...So with such an equitable foolproof system of equitable returns (and future addiction, loss of job, alcoholism and male prostitution) it is with great hope, a sense of assuredness and a twinkle in my eye that with great audacity I head out to invest, invest, invest...and reap, reap, reap.

Lachlan Gibson, money making guru, signing out.

ps. if anyone needs any money making advice come see me (for a small fee of course).

Superhuman powers and me.

So I just had coke splash into my eye. Somehow whilst drinking from the can, as I removed it from my mouth a few drops of coke climbed my face, hurdled my nose and found their way into my eye. This left me to ruminate (and shed water from my eyes) as to what the seriousness of this situation actually is. Will coke chew out my retina? Will it sting for a bit but the pain eventually fades away? Or will I be left with 20/negative one billion vision, with this coke bringing a superhuman power out of me? Could I be the human link between man and telescope? Imagine tracing your ancestry back to find that your great great grandmother was two pieces of glass and a bit of plastic.... Interesting thoughts to ponder, and even more interesting mental pictures of what my great great grandfather would have been like being intimate with a piece of machinery.

Well it seems that my eye stung for a bit and I feel a few left-over effects but no incredible vision of being able to spot a dollar on the moon just yet - but I'll keep you all updated.

So it's been a while between blogs, and I do apologise to all my faithful readers. So let me fill you in with what I've been up to.

The other day I had to make a little visit into centrelink, and walking there from my work was decidedly not a good idea. As I crossed a field, wading through the long grass I had plenty of time to decide I did NOT want to be wading through a grassed wasteland in Beenleigh that no doubt contained snakes with syringes in their mouths and spiders weilding broken beer bottles. I pressed on though.

I eventually made my way into the centrelink office and stood in queue to hand in my work hours for my yearly Youth Allowance checkup. Time passed slowly as I stood in that line with future serial killers, students and drunkards (and an odd few who actually just needed a leg up in this world). It really made me think to myself: "Maybe these people would actually have some time to find a job if they didn't have to spend all their time in line at centrelink?". But that's not how centrelink operates! If you're not standing in line, you're on the phone on hold, or on the internet waiting for "maintenance" to finish. But at the end of the day I can't gripe too much...because I actually HAVE centrelink and as much as I hate them, I'd be screwed without them....who knows...what with only a Griffith degree, I may need centrelink for the rest of my life!

Children's books and Me.

Gooooooood afternoon/morning/midday/evening readers!

So, many people have commented how offensive I am and that I should never write children's story books...others haven't raised the issue at all, with them being the feckless passive-aggressive cowards that they are...Unless you're in the latter, you're in the majority, which is the former (in which case I don't actually mean YOU if you are reading my blog...which you most likely are). So today I write for my 12 years old and under audience and plan on having a few pictures to accompany my little story-book/blog. Most of my writing is fairly in line with a Theodor Seuss Geisel book (or Dr. Seuss for the ill-read) in that it repeats itself ridiculously, cogitates many of life's problems, such as the misfortune of bird flu green eggs and swine flu ham making it onto your plate, as well as repeating itself, sometimes even ridiculously. Now repeating itself ridiculously to some may be annoying, and to others it probably invokes a headache.....ok....to the writing of the book we venture!

Once upon a time (a fairly solid start for many a book)...there once was...this protagonist....or hero if you're a little child with a little vocabulary...his/her (trying to be non-gender specific to suit all kinds of readers) name was....Boris Amin (let's combine two very well known dictator's names to create a strong hero for children!)...He/she liked gardening...but bugs (antagonists) liked his/her garden...this made Boris Amin sad, as the bugs began destroying the garden and Boris Amin's patience.

ok...this children's book is NOT going well. With building a story on a hybrid-dictator-named protagonist, some racial hate crimes will probably ensue, and I don't want to be around anywhere when they do. So with that, most people were right in that I can't write a children's book...but perhaps I could write for cosmopolitan or another highly political satire filled magazine.

Writer out.

Professional One Liner operator

Tonight I joined a very prestigious list of people who come up with often hilarious and smart comments. I now know how Lance Armstrong felt after all the witty sayings he made after winning all those Tour de France-athons...maybe i'll even become one of the wittiest smartest quotesman of all time with a little work...Sports men and women (but mainly men) such as my good mate Lance have constant gems they're zinging out to the media. For instance, here's one from everybodies favourite sportsman/woman, Australia's golf-grandfather Mr. Gregory Pantellidis-Smithton Norman:

“(We) should be allowed to wear shorts. God almighty, (LPGA) women are allowed to wear ‘em, and we’ve got better legs than they do.”
-Greg Norman

Classic stuff. As you can tell I'm really trying to build the suspense with all this as to what the quote I came up with is...It probably isn't nearly as classic and t-shirt worthy as my Griffith quote...But we are our own harshest critics right? (another quote that has no doubt earnt Alistair Bloomsdownsworthington the instant fame and fortune that he deserves for penning such a memorable quote.)

As I sat in yet another brain-sucking Griffith tutorial I noticed an interesting quote/one liner the obnoxious, sandal-and-shorts wearing pompous tutor was spouting out as if it was his own. The line was "if you find yourself in a hole, stop digging". Well...let's demean hole-diggers for a living huh? They're not real people, right Griffith? How about this for a line "If you find yourself digging a hole, why not stuff a few Griffith tutors in as an attempt to fill it?" or "Griffith tutors only teach because they don't have the arms for hole digging"? Neither absolute zingers, but blogs don't need to be creative, just self righteous and ideologically imposing dribble.

So without further ado (as shakespeare...or some other guy once stated some time ago) here it is:

"procrastinate today so that you don't have to do it tomorrow"

Yeah ok....not quite Shakespeare or Norman quality but a bird in the hand is worth two in this blog.

Please address all abuse to me for this blog....Sorry for failing miserably at creating laughter...But I will inevitably still label this post as "comedy" or "humorous"...no doubt the funniest thing about this post.

Blogger out.

Reviews

"The New York Times review sums it up in one word, "wow".... We couldn't agree more."

-Some internet site reviewing the review of what the Times had to say about The Davinci Code.

Sizzlers and Murder

Dear Readers,

"huh?" you may say as you stare at the computer screen over your jumbo bucket of buttered popcorn, some of which no doubt fell out of your mouth onto your keyboard, only for you to smudge more of that grease onto said keyboard as you scoop it up in your filth---

ok...remember rule number 125 of your bloggers manual Lachlan...your readers, no matter how disgusting they may be (sitting anonymously behind their computer screens), do not read criticism; THAT is why they dropped out of highschool - to work their way up the Hungry Jack's food chain (or for my overseas readers....*sigh*), criticism. Start over.

Dear Readers,

"huh" you may say as you read the title of this blog. Well, I know Sizzlers (everyone's favourite family restaurant) and Murder (everyone's favourite sin) don't make much of a combination, but let me explain, perhaps in story form.

......Lose yourself in the world of imagination....

wait...before you lose yourself, and before I go into more detail with this, you probably are asking yourself why I would feel the need to write about murder and Sizzlers in such a comical way...Neither of them are particularly funny, and what kinda sicko would write an hilarious blog about either of the two? Well a desperate sicko with my face would...so read on...

....imagination world blah blah blah....

So it was Monday night, and I was eating dinner at Sizzlers with my guy's group that meets every Monday night, this time at Sizzlers, on a Monday night, and my mate told me a story (sounds exciting huh). He is working on a group assignment and he had one of the guys ring up to tell him he couldn't be in the group anymore...I believe the conversation went something like this that Monday night:

"Hey mate, just calling to say I can't be part of the group assignment anymore sorry..."

"Oh that sucks, why's that?"

"I just got arrested for murder and am now going to jail."

"oh...ok...thanks for your call"

Well...this little story had me laugh, question, pull a face, tell it to several other people, laugh more as I told it and question some more my own insanity over the matter.

It's not really that funny, but it was such an interesting excuse for not attending group work or a group assignment...And it made me look around the group of guys and think, "wow, this is just a normal guy that happened to beat some unsuspecting guy to death...Any ONE of us could do that!" and as I looked around the table I thought, the odds are I would be the one to inflict the next fatal beating on someone...

I don't like those odds...nor do I like my chances of being capable of sharpening a toothbrush into a shiv and fighting for my life in prison (and other things, but I'm trying to keep these blogs PG at the very most!)....Hey, perhaps I could even meet my mate Bubba who frequents this blog (you think he'd do something a little better with his prison monitored internet downloads).

Ok, perhaps I'm not capable of murder, but am I capable of using that as a way of getting out of a group assessment? Perhaps not that either, but I have often thought that I COULD go so far as to murder someone to get out of the idiotic groups Griffith can/have aligned me with.

So where does that leave me? With a COLD Sizzlers dinner. That's right people, my pork ribs AND my chips came out cold, and they began to enter my stomach cold. So I gulped down the ribs and decided that cold chips weren't good enough... Only problem was that every time our waiter came around to ask how our food was I had cold pork rib in my mouth so I wasn't able to verbally abuse our waiter, demean them in front of the entire restaurant, then place some rather unrealistic demands on them like "HOT CHIPS NOW OR YOUR LIFE! 5, 4, 3...."

So eventually I finished my ribs, as cold as they were I didn't complain (or get a chance to...except the one time where I said the waiters name and she turned her back on me and walked away...waitress 2, Lachlan nil). It wasn't until they were completely digesting that I asked for some more chips, as politely as I could without wanting to sound like a bum...Waitress' reply "It's pretty unusual for someone to order chips at the END of their meal" *insert eyebrow raised like a complete...........ly old waitress face here*.

Well I could've drowned the woman in the drink refills, but alas I just laughed and apologised.

Waitress 10 - Lachlan nil....

In conclusion...I didn't even eat all the hot chips she finally came back out with....I did "accidently" drop some on the floor on my way out though...

Waitress 10 - Lachlan 1000000!!!! and we have a winner! I bet she'll think twice before messing with ME again.

Now that you've read my blog, why don't you read what the critics have to say about my blog:

Alex: Wow man, your blog peaked at the first one, give up.

Shari: I believe you should make more racial taunts, that'll be funnier.

Jeremy: You owe me 10 dollars.

Sally: You owe me 3 months of my life.

Feel free to not add your own criticisms.

The cons and cons of Griffith University (the "Summit" campus)

Dear Mr. Griffith University Mt. Gravatt,

How is Mr. QUT? I just want to start by saying that I respect your current lifestyle choices, we live in a free world, but it takes guts to come out of the closet in the way that you have. The people that call you QUT's bitch enrages me, it is just such a slap in the face for all that has been achieved in this day and age for people to ostricize you and your beliefs. How are your criminal charges going? Anyway...I will really skip to the point...

Many people have complained they lack what once was theirs but now is (in my opinion) what is rightfully yours, in their souls. They really were not using their souls for much good, much better for you to be munching on them. I will give you a shout out to the much outdated decor you wear so liberally, some people would say "get with the times"...but I love your witty comeback where you often state "shut up", then just raise the parking permit fees.

...gets 'em every time.

But I do feel in order to keep your customers partially happy, perhaps we could work on some things? I know these may seem fairly "new age" concepts, but just try to bear with me.

Ok, perhaps you should put down the Jack Daniels before you read on, we all know how violent you can often get whilst drinking.

Well, as you know we are charged 30 cents for tomato sauce in the cafeteria when purchasing sauce related food related objects. Some people see this as rape, as meat pies without sauce is abhorrent, and the only way around getting sauce and placing it onto said pie is to fork out the 30 cents....Perhaps this violation against your students could be quelled? I dunno...I guess you're practicing up for prison with these actions, but we're still living in a society.

The food is a little stale with or without sauce I guess, so maybe you could build another more fruitful (I mean that literally...do you not believe in selling fruit? Are you trying to repress the word "fruit"? I thought you were more liberal Griffith!)...ahem...a more fruitful cafeteria. Perhaps you could remove a few more car spaces from the parking lot and stick it in there somewhere? I mean it's not as though we'll miss the spaces, what's driving around for another hour looking for a park on top of the hour that we drive around looking for said parking space anyway? I mean we only pay the fair, and not outrageous price of $100 a semester for the delight, no...wait...the privelege of being able to drive around in your place for hours on end.

Anyway I do believe I've said enough. I will fill you in on some more things that are worth a mention in my next letter. I appreciate all that you haven't done for me.

Oh and one last thing, perhaps you could provide a complimentary oxygen tank, some of those mountain climber spikes and a Tibetan Sherpa at the bottom of your hill that we need to climb each day to get up to the summit....It will keep your customers coming back for more if they can successfully survive that climb.

Anyway,
Yours sincerely and truly forever and ever (because you maintain the rights to my soul)
Lachy

p.s. you smell like feet, how about you shower once in a while?

To fade away...

Hello my fellow followers, (all one of you at the moment),

Am I suffering secondblogitis (pronounced: second-blog-itis or seck-conned-blo-gi-tis)? Well the answer to you is YES! That's right - yes you are right in the fact that I am NOT infact suffering this all too tragic disease. Instead I have many a topic to discuss with you all....but rather I will not discuss any of those topics but instead will attempt to disect this age old question: Is it worse to burn out or to fade away?

Well...is it? The answer is yes to that topic, and I hope that I have really given you something to ponder....I think I've covered all that I need to cover on that subject...hmmm...what next...?

So I've just turned 23 in the past week and to many this is a young age, to others it will seem an eternity until they reach this age themselves...to fewer still, this age is the metaphorical "leather couch of aging" they have made an arse groove in for the past few days or months or leading up to almost a year. 22 came and went and what do I have to show for it?

Exhaustion.

That's right, exhaustion everbody (pronounced: exhaustion, or EX-haus-TION, depending on whether you have a nervous tick and a bout of turrets or not...or perhaps a strong ignorance of the english language...or a strong advocate that emphasis on syllables are ambiguous by nature...whatever you may be...)

This exhaustion is brought about by a severe lack of sleep, a severe lack of stimulation in the brain...umm...area? that perhaps should have been stimulated through a thing known as "university" (pronounced: just-figure-out-how-to-say-it-out-loud-for-yourselves-damnit) to which I attend Griffith.

Griffith's answer to the question: Is it worse to burn out or to fade away?, is quickly addressed with the answer coming back: "both are good options, but we will make sure we prepare you insufficiently for making this decision, then send you on your way after charging you hundreds of dollars for a parking permit to a carpark that will inevitably be full, and ripping you off when you want some free sauce to go with your hot chips, which will cost you 30 cents a pop, and a part of your soul. Amount to nothing, go nowhere. Just don't do it. Griffith*."

So they would argue it's good to choose at least one of the two (burning out or fading away) just as long as it doesn't mean they lose any money, and as long as you fail excruciatingly at everything.

I am also exhausted from a lack of money, and a failure at making something of my life (hence my taking up writing blogs). Therefore I conclude this blog with the answer to the question: " is it better to fade away or burn out?", saying it doesn't matter how you end up going, it only matters that you made something of yourself to begin with.

*Griffith has never formally stated this, this is just a form of hyperbole...Griffith, please do not seek emolument from me, for you have robbed me of most of my money already and have none left.

What have I gotten myself into?!

Like really...what HAVE I gotten myself into?! I believe that I'm not interesting enough to string together more than three consecutive interesting sentences, nor do I believe I am funny enough to consecutively create laughter throughout (within? from?) my target audience (being anyone that breathes, reads and has a computer with what is known as "internet").

But I like writing, I love reading and I believe I have a knack for out-of-the-box thoughts, so here I am with my own blog, and my often incoherant thoughts displayed for all the world (or at least a 50 year old man named 'Bubba' that wears women's underwear sitting by his computer with potato chips and grease oozing from every pore) to see.

I value and respect actual authors, real writers such as the likes of juggernauts Stephen King, Frank Peretti, John Marsden, Michael Crichton and Gary Paulsen - just to name a few. Although I have studied Stephen King's book 'On Writing' I still am devastatingly disastrous in my disposition of writing and will not claim to come near the mega-star writer that he has become. But I vow to write honestly, and as humorously as possible within this blog to entertain 50 year old Bubba, myself and whoever drunkenly stumbles across this blog. Also, as Stephen King warns, I will never end a sentence with a preposition. This is my pact to you as an audience.

As you read this remember that I am a mere 22 year old (going on 23 in 2 days) uni student (Griffith....ugh...) with too much time on his hands or too much procrastinational* skills depending on my "higher education" standings, not a mega billionaire writer with seven Magnum Opus's (or opi? whatever the plural of that cra-azy latin word is).

So with that I hope you enjoy the journey I take you on, it will have it's pitfalls, it's peaks and it's blah blah blah...so enjoy, and remember:

I first coined the phrase "Griffith: We're at the lower end of higher learning"...

*procrastinational? Lachlan, what are you thinking?! Stephen King will dig a grave just to lie down and roll in it over the butchery of the english language you display.