Hi. Welcome to my guide to picking up chicks. My name is Lachlan Gibson. Come journey with me, your host, through the swamps of relationship pitfalls and the opposite of a pit full of fall. Today or tomorrow (whenever you read this) we will tickle the underbelly and suckle on the teet of success with finding the perfect girl for you! And maybe you also if you are lucky. So let's kick this pig into gear!
Tip One - Personal Space
What is it? What do we need it for? I don't know, and neither should you. If there is one thing I know about girls it's that girls love space invaders, and not just the video game. The video game is awesome, and so is getting right up in their faces to make a point. How do I know this? Well I've had several girls invade me space, often with shuddering effect on me. The best is when one person in particular grabs my arm to make a point, or when I'm standing, and they're standing, so I sit to have them sit only for me to stand and have them stand with me as though we're playing some bobbing game. It's hard when i'm standing in a spot and they're standing next to me, and I have nowhere to go so my feet are firmly planted on the ground but I'm incorporating the "avoid-at-all-costs-lean". This is great until it results in them leaning along with me. I'm not trying to dance, I'm not trying to break my shins in half by leaning further than is humanly/scientifically/physically possible by bending at them, but I'm succeeding and they're going along with my little pole-less static limbo game.
So if the annoying girls love invading space, surely all girls do right? Get up in their faces boys.
Tip Two - When you get a girl, keep her.
Give her something - a token - a symbol of your undying love! The sooner the better. Telling her you love her on the first date alone is not enough. It is highly encouraged, but it is not enough. In fact, list all the qualities you like in her as well as all the qualities you dislike in her on the first date, tell her whether you want kids with her or not and be overtly honest. Girls. Love. Honesty. I cannot stress this enough. After all this is said and down, whip it out.... THE PROMISE RING (of course)! This is an eternal promise of commitment! Don't be confused fellas, this isn't an engagement ring. It's stupid to commit with an engagement ring if you want a real symbol of commitment. Nothing says "I want to be with you forever just not right now so here's my symbol of eternal commitment to later commiting to you on a full time scale" than a promise ring.
Tip Three - Where and When
Where and when to meet girls is always a doozey! Often I don't get asked "Lachlan, where can I meet girls?". Often I don't tell people. But to tell YOU now, well... that involves the next sentence. Not this one. Often girls find guys more attractive through alcohol. Do you want to meet girls in a pub though? No, you do not. You want to meet them at those random alcohol breath testing stops that the police set up for you (to meet girls). You wanna go for the ones that are only a little over the blood alcohol limit and have lost their cars. They're tipsy and looking for a ride home - I can't stress enough how important it is for you to be there to be that knight in shining daihatsu. Grow a mustache, wear your best stubbies and get out there boys and find yourself that girl of your dreams at that RBT of your dreams.
Tip Four - Be a badass.
Nice guys finish last, or they don't finish at all. Be a badass. Be arrogant, obnoxious and rude to the girl of your dreams. I have spent my whole life trying to be nice to girls and it's the total wrong road to take. Badasses wear leather. Therefore wear as much leather as you can get your hands on. Cover yourself in the stuff. "How much leather should I wear" you may ask me? Well find out how much leather a cow wears and then back it off a little. You should end up in an outfit that constitutes something just short of hooves and an udder and you will find the chicks will swoon.
Now you have your outfit, think about your stomach muscles, tattoos and badass haircut. If you cannot get these things to work for you that's ok, being a badass is about attitude just as much as looks.
Your attitude should be enough to repel mosquitos. You need to find every flaw in the girl of your dreams, abuse those flaws and then throw mud at her car, toilet paper her house and pull her hair. If there is one thing that I have learnt from primary school it's that you need to "be mean to keep her keen" (or to get her keen). Pulling hair was big in grade 2 - pulling hair is big in pubs and clubs too.
Tip Four - Avoid my advice like the plague
I mean honestly, are you seriously so dumb and naive as to listen to any of this bollocks? You'd be an idiot to do any of this... I am the last person you should listen to about relationship advice.
But now that throws a spanner into the works with me telling you to not listen to me. So with not listening to me, you are listening to me and therefore - well... it's just one big circle of insanity isn't it?
Anyway, this has been your comprehensive guide on how to get a girl - stay tuned for the next in this 2 part series on "how to get a boy".
Blogger out.
**** oh and don't sue if you try these things and get arrested.
***** nor should you sue for me just attempting to dish out advice that isn't quite to your taste.
****** nor should you sue for attempting to make humour where there isn't
******* nor should you sue etc.
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