Lachlan's Blog entitled "Lachlan's Guide To Picking Up Chicks"

Hi. Welcome to my guide to picking up chicks. My name is Lachlan Gibson. Come journey with me, your host, through the swamps of relationship pitfalls and the opposite of a pit full of fall. Today or tomorrow (whenever you read this) we will tickle the underbelly and suckle on the teet of success with finding the perfect girl for you! And maybe you also if you are lucky. So let's kick this pig into gear!



Tip One - Personal Space



What is it? What do we need it for? I don't know, and neither should you. If there is one thing I know about girls it's that girls love space invaders, and not just the video game. The video game is awesome, and so is getting right up in their faces to make a point. How do I know this? Well I've had several girls invade me space, often with shuddering effect on me. The best is when one person in particular grabs my arm to make a point, or when I'm standing, and they're standing, so I sit to have them sit only for me to stand and have them stand with me as though we're playing some bobbing game. It's hard when i'm standing in a spot and they're standing next to me, and I have nowhere to go so my feet are firmly planted on the ground but I'm incorporating the "avoid-at-all-costs-lean". This is great until it results in them leaning along with me. I'm not trying to dance, I'm not trying to break my shins in half by leaning further than is humanly/scientifically/physically possible by bending at them, but I'm succeeding and they're going along with my little pole-less static limbo game.

So if the annoying girls love invading space, surely all girls do right? Get up in their faces boys.





Tip Two - When you get a girl, keep her.



Give her something - a token - a symbol of your undying love! The sooner the better. Telling her you love her on the first date alone is not enough. It is highly encouraged, but it is not enough. In fact, list all the qualities you like in her as well as all the qualities you dislike in her on the first date, tell her whether you want kids with her or not and be overtly honest. Girls. Love. Honesty. I cannot stress this enough. After all this is said and down, whip it out.... THE PROMISE RING (of course)! This is an eternal promise of commitment! Don't be confused fellas, this isn't an engagement ring. It's stupid to commit with an engagement ring if you want a real symbol of commitment. Nothing says "I want to be with you forever just not right now so here's my symbol of eternal commitment to later commiting to you on a full time scale" than a promise ring.





Tip Three - Where and When



Where and when to meet girls is always a doozey! Often I don't get asked "Lachlan, where can I meet girls?". Often I don't tell people. But to tell YOU now, well... that involves the next sentence. Not this one. Often girls find guys more attractive through alcohol. Do you want to meet girls in a pub though? No, you do not. You want to meet them at those random alcohol breath testing stops that the police set up for you (to meet girls). You wanna go for the ones that are only a little over the blood alcohol limit and have lost their cars. They're tipsy and looking for a ride home - I can't stress enough how important it is for you to be there to be that knight in shining daihatsu. Grow a mustache, wear your best stubbies and get out there boys and find yourself that girl of your dreams at that RBT of your dreams.





Tip Four - Be a badass.

Nice guys finish last, or they don't finish at all. Be a badass. Be arrogant, obnoxious and rude to the girl of your dreams. I have spent my whole life trying to be nice to girls and it's the total wrong road to take. Badasses wear leather. Therefore wear as much leather as you can get your hands on. Cover yourself in the stuff. "How much leather should I wear" you may ask me? Well find out how much leather a cow wears and then back it off a little. You should end up in an outfit that constitutes something just short of hooves and an udder and you will find the chicks will swoon.

Now you have your outfit, think about your stomach muscles, tattoos and badass haircut. If you cannot get these things to work for you that's ok, being a badass is about attitude just as much as looks.

Your attitude should be enough to repel mosquitos. You need to find every flaw in the girl of your dreams, abuse those flaws and then throw mud at her car, toilet paper her house and pull her hair. If there is one thing that I have learnt from primary school it's that you need to "be mean to keep her keen" (or to get her keen). Pulling hair was big in grade 2 - pulling hair is big in pubs and clubs too.

Tip Four - Avoid my advice like the plague

I mean honestly, are you seriously so dumb and naive as to listen to any of this bollocks? You'd be an idiot to do any of this... I am the last person you should listen to about relationship advice.

But now that throws a spanner into the works with me telling you to not listen to me. So with not listening to me, you are listening to me and therefore - well... it's just one big circle of insanity isn't it?

Anyway, this has been your comprehensive guide on how to get a girl - stay tuned for the next in this 2 part series on "how to get a boy".

Blogger out.

**** oh and don't sue if you try these things and get arrested.
***** nor should you sue for me just attempting to dish out advice that isn't quite to your taste.
****** nor should you sue for attempting to make humour where there isn't
******* nor should you sue etc.

Mundane painting tasks.

Wellllll it's been a while between blogs yet again... Life's been busy and blogging has been hard to come by as the laughter has taken a dry spell in my life. In the last month or so I've done a lot of things; finished uni for the year, finished my 2nd teaching prac, learnt that I can't sing, nor can I dance and yet I have signed myself up for singing in the Christmas choir and dancing in a Christmas play. Absurd has pretty much taken on a whole new level in my life.

*

*
*

But even though I have had all these mis-adventures (I've literally missed adventures because of these mundane tasks... Just to name a few: sleeping adventures, eating adventures and television adventures) I want to talk to the people (you and that guy standing behind you) about my new task of giving my bedroom a tummy tuck, a facelift and breast implants (also known as new carpet, fresh paint job and silicon breast implants).

*
*
*

You would think painting your room would be fun wouldn't you? In the movies they always depict people painting rooms to be fun loving people in a whimsical montage. They make gaffs at each other, laugh with full toothed pearly white smiles, paint each other and mispell things wrong in paint on the walls - all the while enjoying time spent together. The couple depicted may even finish with getting down to the task of some heavy love making, embracing each other in a passionate kiss and then having the camera pan away to show the wind blowing some curtains or a steam train entering a tunnel or some other euphemism dressed up in some inanimate objects. Anyway the point is none of this is possible for me when you're painting under the Nazi-esque regime of my parents - particularly that of the long passionate embraces and love making.

*
*
*

I'm still the boisterous, handsome fella with impish charm that would generally be depicted in any one of these movie painting scenes, but there is a severe lack of montage-ing and a extreme lack of fun going on at the moment with this whole painting the room thing. If you combined Michaelangelo's skill (I'm talking the skill at painting he has left after being dead for 446 years) with a shorter Hitler sporting a less prominent mustache, you would have my mother. She brandishes a painting ego and some general painting terms and prefers not to dialogue with me but rather wraps these terms up in a large parcel, waits for me to attempt to open it and then BOOM!!!!! - there goes my face.

*
*
*

I am constantly ducking "DON'T GET THAT BLUE PAINT ON THAT BLUE WALL!!!" bullets and "You screw up cutting along those skirting boards and I'll CUT YOU IN YOUR SLEEP FOOL !!!!!!!!!!!" grenades. Where's the comradery? The mess ups that get fixed up just before the next scene? I need black outs between painting just like in the movies where things just get done during these times. But I'm afraid if I attempt to turn the lights off whilst my parents are painting I'll turn them back on to find I've been eviscerated by a paintbrush - a steaming pile of my stomach entrails dangling from my ripped open torso with blood splattering on the floor in front of me and my mother screaming "DON'T BLEED ON MY WALLS!!"

*
*
*

So when I do pass on (I always knew my time in the trenches of war would be short), I would like my funeral to be a happy time. If there is food afterwards eat it, if you don't eat at my funeral you don't leave... I've spent all my life eating, I never let anything go to waste and I would turn in my grave if people leave leftovers at my funeral. I want In Loving Memory by Alter Bridge played and a 22 gun salute, with the extra gun being of the nerf variety fired right into someone's forehead for comical effect. You can have my car.

*
*
*

Well with this all said and done I guess I better learn how to paint and stop screwing around attempting to infuriate people splashing blues on red walls.......... Ahhhhhhhhhhh who am I kidding, that's just not me, bring on the raining bullets of abuse.

*
*
*

But seriously.... the car is all yours when I die.